Staying alive...is something like this

For me, several of the most poignant moments depicted on film can be found in Sam Mendes' reflective and, in some ways, liberating film 'American Beauty'. Kevin Spacey's monologue at the end of the movie is probably the best of them. The place it has in the film is, of course, responsible for it being so moving.

"I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time...

For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn.

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

I don't know how right the bit is about what your last recollections are before you die, but somehow I can subscribe to the idea that some of the moments of your life which are most deeply etched on the mind's eye just come out of nowhere. You don't try to get them. They just happen. And they sometimes feel like a divine answer to those ever-elusive questions: What is happiness? What am I looking for in my life?

A few days ago, I was out roaming the streets with my great friend GC. He had returned to Roorkee for a last return to old times (ostentatiously though, we always do manage to pull work into the picture somehow...he was no different) It was 2:20 at night, and we staggered out of Govind after a tiring day, most of which was spent on our feet. But for old addicts like us, the lure of a walk around the EnC roundabout before hitting the sack was too much to resist!

A light drizzle soon started, the kind which hits your clothes and disappears before you know it. As we approached the roundabout, it gained momentum, becoming more of a light rain, and we decided to use the senate steps as cover.

I've read that from some kind of chaos in the head, result the most beautiful, the most profound sensations, feelings that transcend perceptions, emotions that warp reality and transport a person to a level of hyper-consciousness that is oh-so-ephemeral, which leaves you gasping in its wake, with nothing left but the realization that what you just experienced was something that you never asked for, but are thankful to have got.

It was exactly one of these moments...tired, jaded, but determined to extract every moment possible from the passage of time. With my back to the pillar, the light spray hitting my face like the surf from a restless ocean, nobody in sight. The area, as always, was well illuminated with sodium lamps, against which the drops of rain looked like molten bits of yellow-pink light. The road sloped away in front of us, and small rivulets flowed across. The grand conifer standing in the middle of the triangle of grass, glowing green, swaying ever so slightly. A fountain of colour, with rich black, warm yellow, dark green...freshened by the drink of water. The absolutely delightful feeling of having nobody around, but not feeling lonely. No need to think, no need to reflect. It was as perfect as moments made only to savour. Moments which can probably be described with nouns, adjectives and exclamations, but which are inherently ineffable, for the simple reason that they are far greater than the sum of their parts...at least parts which stay with you, imprinted on the consciousness.

It was just so right then:
"...I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst..."

I've said so much, but frankly, I can only hope you know what I mean. Words don't even begin to do justice.

More from me soon!