life in...lowercase

too afraid of making a mistake
too tired to make the leap
too weak to take it on the chin
too impervious to let it sink in

too proud to try to bend
too hard to decipher
too deaf to hear the cries
too blind to see how time flies

too alone to reach out
too lost to find the trail
too high to fall and not shatter
too wasted to even matter

too many words to even start to say
too many debts to even start to repay
too many chains to try and break away
too many sins to try and pray

too ashamed to stay
too selfish to simply fade away
too easy to lead astray
too few reasons to last through today

too wrong to be true?
too bad to be you?
too dark a hue?
too much in a single life to rue?

too bad you can't see beyond the smoke
too bad the nightmare came before you awoke
never too late to snap out of it
never too late to tell the crowd of it...
it's my life, and i'm proud of it :)

The Eigenvalues of Life

Lately, I've begun to see Life as an eigenvalue-eigenvector problem. Let's say that your life can be represented as a real-valued square matrix (Why square? Why indeed? The only answer I can provide is that they appear more elegant and more pliable to me. If you have reached a level wherein you can talk about your life as a non-square matrix, do let me know how you got there :) )

So, your life is a square matrix, and it has eigenvalues and eigenvectors. Now it so happens that some matrices have more distinct eigenvalues than others. Looking for a counterpart in life, let's say that it means that the greater the number of eigenvalues, the more diverse your interests in life are. If you have a single eigenvalue with a multiplicity equal to the order of the matrix, then you're too absorbed in just one thing in your life. The progression from these two extremes is continuous, which makes sense to me.

There is also the question of real and imaginary eigenvalues. What do I think of imaginary eigenvalues? I suppose it can mean that you're living in a world that is away from reality, and consequently, to keep yourself in equilibrium, you need your imaginary eigenvalues to occur in conjugate pairs. (Slightly flimsy, this part, I'll concede :) )

From eigenvalues, we come to eigenvectors. If you imagine the matrix of your life to be a rotation matrix (i.e. it acts upon arbitrary vectors, and transforms them to new vectors), then the eigenvectors are the ones that will not rotate at all. Implying, if you like, that they are the constants of your life. The core of your existence. Your comfort zones. Like base camps in expeditions. You may go out to explore the wilderness, but when the Sun goes down, you come back to your safe haven.

Now the eigenvalues and eigenvectors are definitely not unique. For a matrix of n^2 elements, you can get a set of eigenvalues with n elements. So, it suggests that inspite of being very different on the surface, we are actually not that dissimilar after all. And in our associations with people around us, we try to look for the same eigenvalue set, even though it may come from a very startlingly different-looking matrix.

I suppose it's the same thing with relationships. I've often been asked how I've been great friends with people who are so unlike me. The answer is probably similar to the hypothesis I just presented above.

Having said all that, I must pause and point out that inspite of having the same eigenvalues, the eigenvectors of two matrices might not be the same. And really, I think it would be a pity if it would be so. In my mind, every association I have should simultaneously nurture me, and challenge me. Bring me new sights and sounds everyday, and encourage me to expand my horizons. Perfection in people, or in relationships with people, is rather undesirable, because there is nothing to learn, nothing to adapt to. And invariably, the quest for that elusive perfection obscures the joys that being different can bring.

The human life matrix is not like the typical n=3 or n=4 matrices that I've (and most of us have) worked with. It has such an amazingly large number of eigenvalues and eigenvectors that the possibilities in being different are endless, and very exciting.

The only perfection I hope to achieve, and indeed, hope to find in others, is perfection in making the most of our imperfections.

:)

(all factual errors may please be attributed to the defective recall of a hopelessly romantic imagination!)