Looking in at me, locked inside myself...hmmm

There have been times when I've wished for things in the manner of a man who knows that he has no say in the granting of his desire, and looks at the fulfillment of that desire as a departure from the odds governing its occurrence. In such a scenario, one feels happy if he gets what he wished for, but not too disappointed if he doesn't.

Then there are occasions when I'm very optimistic about the occurrence of an event, which is just a euphemism for saying that I'm certain that it will happen (I'm rather over-optimistic, I think)

A third situation which arises is when my gut feeling tells me that the probability of what I'm wishing for to happen is on the lower side, yet I yearn for its fulfillment with such an unreasoning desire that it scares me to see the ferocity of my own stubbornness. I find myself willing it to happen with all the might of my mental faculties till it blocks out everything else and releases its hold only when the mind gets drained of its capacity to focus on solely one objective. And all this, when sometimes I'm actually powerless to affect the occurrence of the event.

I wonder if you also get the feeling occasionally, that in spite of the fact that it is your brain, and your wishes, yet you are no more than a bystander in the manipulations of the mind. In any case, I suppose that the realisation that something needs to be fixed, is the first step to fixing it, isn't it? :)